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Writer's picturePooja Sachdev

“We can’t say anything any more!” 

Addressing Shadow Conversations about diversity & inclusion


NOTE: A version of this article was first published in Coaching Perspectives, the magazine of the Association For Coaching, in July 2024.



Ever known someone who is good at “talking the talk” about diversity and inclusion, but privately doesn’t fully understand or believe in what they are saying? 


I worked with someone once who was the poster child for diversity initiatives in their organisation: they spoke at events like International Women’s Day, and sported the rainbow banner on their profile. Yet, when they were amongst close friends after work, they admitted that they secretly dislike many diversity initiatives and don't really understand how targets and quotas are fair to White men?


I was taken aback when I heard that - not because of the view they held (I know many people hold that view) but because of the complete disconnect between what they said publicly and what they expressed privately. This is a person I thought of as reasonable, thoughtful, and fair so it made me wonder why they had not felt they could have this conversation openly and just ask!


Post 2020, we saw a sharp increase in the focus on diversity, equity and inclusion (DEI) across all professions. For many of us, it was refreshing to see these much-needed conversations taking place so openly, both in the public and corporate spheres. And this extends beyond race. In the decade prior to 2020, there was already a growing awareness and discussion about issues like gender pay gaps, "disability confident" schemes and LGBTQ+ inclusion.


From a social and moral viewpoint, this is clearly a positive trend. After all, who can argue against the basic premise of equity? And as the ever-flowing data from McKinsey and others have shown, diversity is also in the best interests of businesses from a reputation, brand, innovation and ultimately, a profit perspective [1]. 

Yet, now, we are witnessing a growing ‘backlash’ against diversity.  

Incendiary comments have been made by high profile individuals [2] claiming that DEI  initiatives have gone “too far” and it is discrimination “in reverse”. While these claims are  ungrounded (and lacking awareness of how systemic power works [3]), they reflect the frustration and alienation felt by those who do not see themselves as part of the  conversation – and do not feel able to voice their feelings about it. 

This has led to what I’m calling the ‘shadow’ conversations – things usually only said behind  ‘closed doors’…. such as: ‘Why don’t we have a program for White men’ or ‘What’s wrong with asking someone where they’re really from? [4]’ or ‘She’s clearly a diversity hire’. These statements often (though not always) come from a genuine lack of understanding. 

In my coaching and consulting conversations, organisational leaders often express a sense of  ‘walking on eggshells’ around DEI. This leads them to either withdraw from it completely (for  fear of saying the ‘wrong’ thing) OR insincerely regurgitate the company line (regardless of their private beliefs or doubts).  

We’ve been taught how to “talk the talk” with diversity and inclusion  but hearts and minds haven’t always caught up.

Many find themselves in a state of cognitive dissonance, torn between societal expectations and their true beliefs. Ultimately, this fracture obstructs genuine strides towards achieving equity.

So how can we address this tension and what role can we play as colleagues, leaders, and coaches?  

Coaching provides an opportunity to tackle this tension at an individual level. It gives us a privileged ‘safe space’ to explore the difficult questions we might have on DEI, unpack our hidden beliefs and feelings on the topic, and fuel authentic learning. 

However, there are two caveats: 


  1. This is about supporting those who are coming from a genuine lack of understanding. It is not about pandering to those who are malicious or “willfully ignorant.”

  2. Doing so should not be at the cost of taking away focus, energy and attention from the persons or groups that need it most right now (or at the cost of the coach’s wellbeing). 


How do we facilitate open, honest, and productive conversations about DE&I in our coaching conversations and beyond?


As with most things, it starts with the self: understanding your own beliefs and barriers.


Here are some questions to reflect on, as a starting point, both for you as a coach and for your client:


  • Am I clear on my own stance on this issue, or DEI generally?  

    • Reflect on what your own beliefs are.

    • Pay attention to what you might be afraid to say or ask.

  • What are the gaps in my knowledge? 

    • What assumptions are you starting from?

    • Find reliable sources to educate yourself, and your client, on relevant aspects of history or context that you're not sure about.  

  • When I notice trepidation on DEI topics, how can I encourage my client (and myself) to take a more authentic and curious stance?  

    • Name the elephant in the room.

    • Refrain from making judgements... we are all learning.

    • Reframe this as an opportunity – to understand and grow together – to provoke interest rather than defensiveness. 

  • How do I empathise but not “collude” with the client?  

    • Refer to your agreement, if you have one. As their coach, you have a responsibility to challenge and support them in expanding their thinking. 

    • Use "I" statements when sharing a feeling or perspective.

    • Constructive disagreement is part of the process of learning from each other and opening our eyes to a new perspective.

    • If you agree or hold the same belief, resist the urge to over-identify. Allow them space to explore and process their own experience.

  • Who can I turn to for support?  

    • Speak to a trusted colleague or friend who could provide a perspective you might have missed.

    • Look for resources online. I have shared below an article I wrote some time ago, called ‘BRIDGE’. [5] 

  • What gets in the way? 

    • Reflect on what is stopping you or your client from having honest conversations on DEI…is it a lack of knowledge, a lack of trust, a lack of psychological safety?

    • How does this impact your practice? What steps can you take to address this? 


Ultimately, opening up space for honest conversations about DEI is not just about DEI. It is about who we are. It is about showing up with authenticity and integrity for our clients, and enabling them to do the same.

 

ABOUT THE AUTHOR


Pooja Sachdev is the co-author of 'Rewire: A Radical Approach to Tackling Diversity and Difference', published by Bloomsbury and described by the FT as "the most refreshing approach to diversity I have read." 


She is a coach, counsellor, consultant, and founder of Rewire Consulting. 

Specialising in organisational development, diversity & inclusion, and leadership, Rewire helps build positive work cultures that enable people, teams and organisations to fulfill their potential.


To find out more about Rewire, drop us a line via the website or LinkedIn.


 

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